My friend Lindsay (of Bourbon and Lipstick) started a podcast, Influenced the Podcast, with another blogger, Christine. I’ve really been enjoying it, and highly highly recommend it. Their latest topic was expectations on women. They put out a survey asking what expectations women have, and I wanted to discuss some of my thoughts on the questions asked in the survey, specifically the pressures of being single and having children.

I’m not going to discuss every question in the survey, just ones that really hit me hard. Things are going to get a little personal in here. And it may get a little ranty. Oops. I don’t have any photos for this post, sorry. I just want to be real, and raw, and open, and open up a discussion.

If you’re single, do you feel pressure to be in a relationship? Yes. Yes I do. And I hate it. I’ve been single for 7 years. Seven. And it’s something I really struggle with. I didn’t fall in love in college like a lot of people, sorry. I didn’t find the right person. And I still haven’t found “the one.”

It’s not like I haven’t tried to get a relationship. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve tried online dating… and I hate it. It is just not for me. It’s really frustrating for me. And it doesn’t work for me. I’ve gone on ONE date from an online dating app. Because that’s the only time I’ve been asked on a date from an online app. It’s frustrating, it’s lonely, it’s damaging to my self esteem, and it honestly feels like a complete waste of time. I don’t enjoy it, I haven’t had any success with it (not just not meeting my soulmate, but I haven’t even gotten dates from it), and it’s just harmful for me. So yes, I’ve tried online dating, but it is not for me.

I hate the pressure of feeling like I need to be in a relationship. Friends, family, family friends… I’m always being asked about guys or being told I need to find a boyfriend. And it hurts. I’ve tried. But hearing that I need to get a boyfriend and get married, sucks. I feel like not being able to get a boyfriend makes me a failure. It hurts to feel like I’m “supposed” to be dating and nobody wants to date me. Every time someone asks me about it, or tells me I should get a boyfriend, it makes me feel like a failure, and I wish they’d stop. As someone struggling with depression, it’s just a reminder that I’m “failing” at something, and it really hurts. If someone you know is single, stop making them feel like they NEED a relationship. Let them be.

I probably could have gone on a few dates. But I really don’t feel like wasting my time. I don’t want to “settle” for a man that isn’t right for me, just to go on a date or be in a relationship. I’ve been single for 7 years, I can wait a little longer. I don’t want to date someone just to date someone. I want to date someone because there’s potential for them to be my life partner. Settling for someone just to not be single, isn’t the right answer in my opinion.

Do you feel pressured to have kids? Yes. And, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Sorry, but I do not want children. I just don’t. It’s something I don’t want for myself. I am an aunt to four nieces and a nephew, and I love it. I love being the fun aunt, and hanging out with those kiddos. But I just don’t want kids of my own. Being able to send the kiddos back to their parents is really nice. I love them, I really really do, but I couldn’t be a mom full time.

Carrie Dayton has a YouTube video discussing why she doesn’t want to have children, and I think she really nails it. She feels the same way I do about a lot of things relting to being a mom, so I’m just going to link her video. If you want to know my feelings on having children, check it out.

I want to add something in that wasn’t discussed in the podcast. One expectation I’m annoyed by is the expectation to always look presentable. I’ve heard the saying “dress to impress, you never know when you’re going to meet your future husband.” AKA you should look presentable when out in public, whether it’s going to lunch with a friend or going grocery shopping. My response is always, if my future husband doesn’t like me in sweatpants and a tshirt, he’s in trouble. My future husband will love me no matter what I look like. If he doesn’t he’s not the one anyway. I’m not dressing to impress anyone when I’m grocery shopping. I’m there to buy food and get out.

Another expectation/generalization of women that bothers me: being “needy” or “clingy” makes us “crazy”. Okay, some expectations make me sad, or make me hurt, or annoy me. This one makes my blood boil. When I hear a girl say she doesn’t want to be “too needy” or “too clingy” it drives me crazy. If a guy says he’s going to call or text and doesn’t, it’s not our fault. We shouldn’t be afraid to text a guy first. We shouldn’t be afraid of showing affection, and shouldn’t be afraid to let a guy know we want to see them or hang out with them. If you want to be clingy or needy, do it. If a guy is bothered by it, or wants too much “alone time”, maybe there’s an issue with him.

The word “crazy” drives me crazy. Women are often labeled as crazy when they’re being “too needy”. Or when they get annoyed about something. But men often forget to explain that a lady is being needy because they’re being a jerk. I’ve written a guest post for Lindsay’s blog talking about ghosting. If you choose to ignore us, or don’t do what you say you’re going to, or we tell you something bothers us and you continue to do it, and we get mad about it, that does NOT make us crazy. That makes you rude and inconsiderate and a jerk. We shouldn’t be labeled as crazy when we get annoyed about things that just aren’t okay. To be clear, there’s a difference between being labeled as crazy because “we texted you and were annoyed when you didn’t respond to us” or “because you waited until the last minute to bail on us and we got mad”, and “bashing your windshield in for no reason”. Some girls really are just crazy. That is not what I’m talking about.

Wanting to talk to a guy we are interested in, or see a guy we’re “dating”, does not mean we’re needy. It means we’re human and care about someone. Being shamed for wanting to talk to someone or hang out with someone isn’t ok. We are ALLOWED to have feelings, and express them. That shouldn’t have to be something we have to keep hidden.

I loved this podcast topic, and I think it’s so important. This podcast is not just for bloggers or “influencers”, and I highly recommend it, especially to my girlfriends. If you’re a fan of podcasts and girl talk on important subjects, check it out on their website, Instagram, or on any podcast platform. I love that they make you think. I promise this is not a podcast filled with fluff. Be sure to follow Lindsay and Christine on Instagram while you’re at it!

Let me know if you have any comments on the topics I discussed, or if you have any other expectations of women you think are unfair or that you feel pressured by. I’d love to hear what you think!